Mondays

I look hideous today. I woke up in the middle of the night with what felt like a horrible hangover, which is weird, since I had hardly anything to drink last night and then I couldn't go back to sleep and then when I finally woke up for the day I still felt hungover and exhausted and miserable. I suppose this is what happens when instead of my usual healthy regimen of drinking too much at least one weekend night and lying around eating too much through both Saturday and Sunday, I get more or less enough sleep and go to work every day. Great.

No weekend = no laundry. Hangover (undeserved though it is) = not caring about clothes. Which all adds up to = I'm wearing a black skirt with an uneven ruffly hem and the Ugliest Shirt in the World. This is a little poly/cotton number I got at Wal Mart on a horrible crazed whim. It's black with a giant technicolor vaguely psychedelic pattern on it in various pinks and teals and yellows and it doesn't, somehow, hang quite right and the poly is more prevalent than the cotton, so it kind of slides around on my skin unhealthily. The neckline is unbecoming and it makes me look fat. Also, insane, but that pales in comparison with the fat factor. Why am I wearing it? I don't know; maybe I'm bewitched. Maybe because my children are gone: the only other times I've ever worn this shirt my children have kindly pointed out to me that it is eye searingly ugly and I should burn it immediately, because they will not be seen with me wearing it. I put my skirt on inside out too but I figured that out before I left the house, thank god. In an hour I have to go do a photo shoot in public and I'm dreading it. I think I need a sign that says "Ha ha! I am wearing this hideous shirt IRONICALLY! See my total hipness!?" While I was thinking about this sign it occurred to me that signs would be helpful in general and perhaps I should patent and market little head mounted plexiglass sign holders so that everyone could wear one explaining their bad fashion choices and/or their sexual availability or lack thereof. Like, I could also have one that says "Despite my atrocious taste in garments and appearing (okay, not just appearing - french fry and beer created) gigantic fatness factor, I am actually very attractive and, hey, single!" That would draw in some quality guys, no doubt.

So, uh, if you happen to see me wandering around today with a camera trying to look anonymous, which is hard in a shirt as ugly as this one, remember that I'm wearing it IRONICALLY. As a statement about the post modern service economy and the price of rice in China or something. I don't care what. Something terrifyingly intellectual, left wing and opaque. You figure it out. I would never just put on a shirt like this and go out the door in a miserable state of lost my keys I don't give a shit what the fuck I'm wearing god I hate Mondays-ness. I mean, really.