I Can't Find the Christmas Lights

So far this morning I have summoned up all my courage and ventured into the mouse haunted shed and the just generally haunted basement, but no Christmas lights. I have opened up the hall closet and narrowly escaped death from the cascade of dog gates, vacuum cleaner parts and winter coats that fell upon me: no Christmas lights. I have exhumed the basket of Christmas books and tapes, the Christmas Witch Hat and the plastic box of Christmas tree lights, but no outdoor Christmas lights.

It is possible that they are at the very bottom of the large plastic trunk of Christmas tree ornaments, and if that is true, than my heart lies heavy upon me, oh woe, and darkness shall be all my reward. Because that would, like, suck. I wonder if I am capable of being that much of an idiot: yeah, of course I am. I'm actually considering going out & buying a bunch of new ones, even though that would be ridiculous and criminally insane, still it might be better than gently taking out every. single. tree. ornament and then getting out the lights and then putting the ornaments gently back again. Because, you see, I want to put up the outside decorations today, and then get the tree on the 16th when I go pick up M from school, and we can stop and cut one down at one of the many Yancey county tree farms, which is what we did last year: cheaper & fresher than a cut one and way more fun. Last year there was nobody at the tree farm so we cut down a tree & rolled it down the mountain ourselves. Yes, I put $30 under the farmhouse door. I'm dumb, but I'm honest.

This is a large box of Christmas tree ornaments we're talking about here, a very large, enormous box, chock full of Christmas goodness in the form of the many many luscious ornaments I have acquired over the years, including such gems as Shiny Jesus, Santa riding a tractor and pigs cavorting in a snowglobe. It takes hours to get them all out and hours to wrap them all in bubble wrap and newspaper and put them all back in again. My heart quails. I'm not strong enough. But I want, really want, to get Rudolph & Frosty & the other snowman & the blue spiral tree & the white flamingos and all lit up; I want to string lights all over my porch and the bushes and out to the tree; I want a goddamn big ass tacky Christmas display, by god, and I want it now!

Maybe they're in the shed after all; I'm afraid to go too deep in there. Ick. I was too afraid to get the Christmas tree stand in case it had dead mice in it; almost everything in there does. It's a horrible haunted mouse graveyard with little half dead mouse ghouls and swaying zombie mice in the shed, and hunks of stained fur and feathers - it's the cats playground and the mouse killing fields. Gah. Bleargh. Maybe I'll just go hiking instead and fuck the lights. I leave you with this amazingly wonderful celebration of the true Christmas spirit: