This morning I woke up late. Then when I went to walk the dogs I couldn't find the front door key. My children swore that they hadn't seen it and didn't have it, although my daughter claimed to have left it in the front door the night before. Two things about my front door key make it extra special: the door will not open without it (it locks automatically) and it's very old and unique; therefore, only one locksmith in town will consent to attempt to copy it. This locksmith is approximately 112 years old and recently moved his shop from downtown to some unknown strip mall in the wilds of Emma and we haven't found him yet, although our supplies of door keys, once plentiful, have dwindled like dolphins in the Yangtze and now we're down to two. Unfortunately these two do not seem to be a breeding pair.
So the key had disappeared and I couldn't walk the dogs, who were upset, as was I, since I had locked them out of the house during the frantic key search. I snarled at them and then my son took too long a shower and missed the school bus and my daughter came home swearing it wasn't her fault the key was gone and she needed to take a shower and jesus christ mom don't get so bent out of shape. At this point I had decided that obviously some psychopath burglar stalker alien Terminator minion of ultimate evil had taken the key from the door and was just waiting until we were all gone so he could come in and steal our priceless collection of science fiction paperbacks, old magazines and seashells from Rehoboth Beach 1995. So I figured that I had to go to some giant Mart of Doom and get a sliding lock or something & install it, all before 8:45 in the morning.
Then my son found the key. So I shot him.
No, actually not. I made my weird diet breakfast and got dressed without showering since my daughter was in the shower then and got him to school just as the first bell was ringing and took myself to work where I have been listening to punk rock and screaming every time the printer jams (about every 4 minutes) for the last 3/4 of an hour. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH FUCKING GODDAMN MORNINGS! I WISH I STILL SMOKED!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
So what's the weird diet breakfast?
Want some of the empty plastic water bottles that seem to be reproducing in the back of my Mommy van? Won't help you with the non-mating keys, but this is PROOF that plastic procreates!
Ediets are responsible for the weird breakfast, which varies every day. Today it was a "Roast Beef Melt" which translates into like 2 oz. of roast beef (and it was the cheap kind; I can't really afford this diet) topped with tomatos and an ounce of fat free mozzarella. It was really a little too weird for breakfast.
Post a Comment