Monday, April 13, 2009

A Variety of Stuff That is Too Long for Twitter

1. Cashier lady at the supermarket, why do you want to argue with me?
Her, finding a turkey breast with no tag: "Just a minute, I'll be right back." She returns with a frozen one.
Me: "No, I don't want a frozen one; I want a thawed one."
Her: "They're all frozen."
Me: "No, they're not. The one I had was thawed."
Her: "No, it wasn't. They're all frozen."
Me: "No, there are thawed ones in a different place. I didn't get it from the frozen ones."
Her: "They're all frozen."
Me: "Look, I'll come with you and show you."
We go back to the poultry area and lo, there are the thawed turkey breasts. I take a thawed one and we return to the register.
Her: "This one is still frozen; I can feel the ice."
Me: "Well, no, it's not frozen, see, it's not solid." Pushing on turkey breast to demonstrate the clear thawed-ness of same.
Her: "They're all frozen. "
Okay, whatever, you have won, cashier lady. You have won. Fortunately, I am now cooking my not frozen turkey breast rather than waiting four days for the fucking thing to thaw. And you got the last word in.

2. Sprint people, why do you want to argue with me?
Wonderful Jeremy at the Sprint store (Jeremy is really wonderful and cute too) navigated the FIVE phone calls to different Sprint areas it took to try to get my phone replaced. The following transcripts have been edited so that you will not have to sit through the hold/what is your phone number/what is your PIN part that was the beginning of every one of them. Also, they have been edited for extra profanity. I am not really dumb enough to curse at the Sprint people. They would send demons after me from their air conditioned offices in hell.
Phone call 1: "We can't replace that; but you have insurance."
Me: "I do not want some piece of shit reconditioned phone that will not work in my office. I want this phone."
Them: "Oh well. Try this number."
Phone call 2: "If you drive to Charlotte, somebody there might be able to help you."
Me: "Fuck that."
Phone call 3: "No, we can't do anything."
Me: "Thanks for the honesty."
Phone call 4: "So, how long have you been a customer?"
Me: "Eternity. And I've never had a phone break before, okay? I don't go around breaking phones."
Them: "Huh. Well, try this number."
Phone call 5: "You have reached cancellations. Are you going to cancel your account?"
"Yes, if I don't get a new phone exactly like this one that I have had for THREE WEEKS that broke OUT OF THE BLUE WHILE IN MY POCKET yesterday."
"Okay, we'll send you a new one."
Great. Pity we couldn't skip the first four calls.

3. If it is going to be dark dark and damp damp all day like this, not to mention cold cold, then it should just rain. Just rain, already. Rain all day or clear up; don't do this half assed cold damp gray stuff.

4. 1994 cyberpunk novel from the thrift store: Oh dear. You didn't anticipate a whole lot of stuff that was going to happen in the next 15 years, did you?

5. 1947 Agatha Christie novel from the thrift store: Agatha, honey, you do realize that you're describing a really creepy S/M relationship like it's normal, right? Because unless the world was extremely different back then, being nearly choked to death by your fiance does not fall into the realm of happy courtship behavior.

6. A Public Service Announcement: I do not have a phone. I will not have a phone until Sprint mails me one. In the meantime, if you call me, there's about a 50/50 chance that I will be able to answer the call - that's what happens when you have no screen, cannot push the screen button and therefore don't know which other buttons to push on your insanely complicated phone to answer a call. I can make outgoing calls only if I know your number by heart. The only people whose phone numbers I have memorized are my children and my two friends who have always had the same phone number: Noelle and Jodi. Everyone else, I cannot call you. And you probably cannot call me. Okay, you almost certainly weren't trying to call me anyway, but, what the hell, I can always pretend. So if you need to reach me, try Twitter. Or email. Or come over; I'm home and I 'm staying right here even though I forgot to buy onions at the Ingles. They were probably all frozen anyway.


occhiblu said...

OMG I recently read that Agatha Christie novel. I kept walking around making ineffectually outraged facial expressions and hand gestures for days. Agatha Christie novels are for pleasant escapism; they are not supposed to trigger the need to stage interventions.

zen said...

Now see, you make me wanna call you to see how often i get through (it's always a crapshoot anyway - but then i'll get some weird pleasure thinking that you're trying to answer on the broken phone.

hack said...

I can't help thinking that 1 & 2 above are related to 3 and that you wouldn't be reading 4 & 5 if it weren't for 6. But on the other hand, some people just like to argue, and some people are more fun to argue with than others. ;-)

Very funny post!

mygothlaundry said...

OMG occhiblu, I can't believe you read that book too! Easily the creepiest Christie I've ever read - just wrong, somehow.

Hey now, I answer the phone. Sometimes. Maybe. ;-)

Yeah, rain makes people cranky - certain people, I guess, like me.

occhiblu said...

Hee. I read Agatha Christie novels when I'm stressed out, and have since I was in fourth grade, so I've read most of them dozens of times (I mercifully have absolutely zero memory for plot, which allows me the superhero power of endless rereading!). That one, though, was new to me.

At least, I hope it was; I'd hate to think of my fourth-grade self assimilating that into my world view. Yikes.

And it's frustratingly difficult to get anyone up in arms about fucked-up gender dynamics in a murder-mystery novel written 50 years ago.