Saturday, March 04, 2006

Tonight's The Night: Call and Response

I have been cleaning the house. When I clean, I like to listen to really loud, bad 1970s rock music. To this end, the semi functional radio in my room is currently tuned to 96.5 Asheville's Oldies Station. If someone from that station is reading, by the way, firing is probably too good for your marketing director. You might want to consider moving directly to burning at the stake. As I swept up massive amounts of collie hair, therefore, I was subjected to unspeakable horrors such as Rod Stewart's Tonight's The Night. No matter. I like to talk back to the radio, and so, although it's better done aloud, I present to you a call and response version of that classic and beloved (urp!) love song.

Stay away from my window
Not that I'm trying to hide you or anything, just, you know, step away.
Stay away from my back door too
I forgot to take out the recycling and the steps rotted.
Disconnect the telephone line
Oh right, the phone company already took care of that.
Relax baby and draw that blind
Is it broken again? Just a sec, I'll take care of . . oh. Fuck. . well, just come over here, then.

Kick off your shoes and sit right down
Better put them where the dog won't get them though.
Loosen off that pretty french gown
Wal Mart? 12.99? Really?
Let me pour you a good long drink
I have a nice cold 40 right here
Ooh baby don’t you hesitate cause

Tonights the night
It’s gonna be alright
Cause I love you girl
Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now

Except possibly your husband! Wow it's really going to suck when he shows up!

C’mon angel my hearts on fire
I'll be right back, just gotta stop in the bathroom for a minute, pepcid A/C, where are you?
Don’t deny your man’s desire
Otherwise I'll have blue balls and you know how cranky that makes me
You’d be a fool to stop this tide
Tide? Wha? Salt water? Where did that come from?
Spread your wings and let me come inside
Ew.

Tonights the night
It’s gonna be alright
Cause I love you girl

at least for the moment and possibly even until midnight
Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now
Except maybe my mom, when she comes back from bingo. Step away from the window, again, would you?

Don’t say a word my virgin child
Ack! Pedophile! Please stop, Daddy.
Just let your inhibitions run wild
Okay. I don't want to do this, let's just play cards instead.
The secret is about to unfold
Upstairs before the night’s too old

It's 7:30 already? Where does the time go?


Tonights the night
It’s gonna be alright
Cause I love you woman
Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now

Except the cops. Get away from that door, copper, I have a hostage!

2 comments:

syntax said...

you know, i never noticed that rod stewart switched from "i love you girl" to "i love you woman" after the last verse...

BLECCCCH!!! the guy's worse than roman polanski and serge gainsbourg combined!

mygothlaundry said...

Yeah, there's definitely something deeply, deeply creepy about this song. It's just wrong.