Serious Shit

M wigged out on his medication, got completely depressed and called me up in tears, begging to come home. That was last night. Talked to him on the phone for an hour, finally made him laugh (imitation of Toby as a farting, dozing off British general is what did it, for anyone who doubts my comic genius) and got him to go to bed. Met with the shrink today at 2:00; he's off Strattera, has a five day detox period, and next we try Ritalin. Ritalin works on dopamine, as I understand it, whereas Strattera worked on the neuropinephrine. The doctor seemed to think that my experience of becoming catatonic through Wellbutrin (increased the panic attacks to a point where I could no longer function) was noteworthy. I think the fucking doctors should have to TAKE every drug they prescribe, for a month, before they should be allowed to happily hand them out.

The whole thing has sucked so bad, from the teachers telling me "He's actually doing his homework and acting mature, he prioritizes and makes sense! Keep him on it!" to M on the phone sobbing "I'm so unhappy, I'm so stressed, I can't do this" to my old friend M from Baltimore telling me, "Get him off it! He'll have a heart attack in 20 years!" to me, up all Sunday night thinking about his chapped face on Saturday, and is this the onset of some horrible speed related OCD face licking picking thing? Until I called the school at 7:30 in the morning and said, cut the drugs in half, I can't stand this. And then M. wigged; I have not heard him like this since he was about 4, if ever. My gut instinct, as an overly doting mother, was to take Panda, who is still safely stored away in his room (13, you know, is still a little kid) and drive him up there, and then just hold them both, M & Panda, until it was all okay. And probably I should have, but I didn't, because, of course, he has to separate from me, we have been too close for too long, and he is making, now, his own identity.

It's a good damn thing I don't have any more kids because I could not go through adolescence again. It's just starting with M and already it's just so hard, so fucking hard.