Fun Stuff: Panic & Depression

Am pretty down this weekend, can't seem to do anything lately but lie in bed & read mysteries. Partly it's because I'm lonely, I really need to get some new friends - join something, I guess, a book club or AA or something. Or do the time honored middle aged lady thing and take up yoga and enlightenment - but unfortunately, unlike your standard issue empty nest middle aged lady, I have neglected to amass any money, which closes off a lot of those spa/retreat/enlightenment weekend things. So I'm spiralling downward into a familiar dark depression center, a place where I spend too much of my time, and maybe I'll put myself back on Lexapro although probably what I really need is therapy, but again, that costs money, and I don't have any money. I just sort of need a kick in the ass to get myself moving again. Right now I'm blasting Elvis Costello & hoping it will get me moving but it isn't working. Spike is the wrong album for that.

I do need more people in my life; I haven't seen a living soul since Friday evening and I won't until I go to work, and then I'll see F, and whether my coworker F can be called a living being is a moot point. I'm afraid I'm turning into him; this is like my worst and deepest and secret fear. He's worked at the museum for 15 years - averaging 12 hours a day, 7 days a week - and he has NO life, just 6 or 8 cats and a lot of creepy pathological habits.

I had great plans to write a concise and helpful guide to panic disorder but I've sort of lost interest. The key thing about handling anxiety & panic attacks is noticing them before they get a full hold on you - then you can subvert them. Become an expert on yourself - catch them as they start and you can shorten them totally. Of course, this doesn't always work. Sometimes, like in the middle of the night, they get you with no warning and there you are, stuck in the middle of one. Recognize it, greet it like an old friend, ride with it, keep riding it - move around, drink water drink water drink water - and it will eventually taper off and leave. I did it, I have done it, I have managed to handle 10 years of panic attacks and remain sane and get the fuckers under control. So either I'm incredibly strong, or it's not that hard if you just work at it. It's work, it's no fun - but it's doable.

Okay, now I'm listening to Mary Prankster which I had forgotten I had, and this may well cheer me up. Tits and Whiskey, and yes, "All I want's a boy who's not a violent sociopath." Which sort of cuts right to the heart of the problem, doesn't it? 6 months of celibacy and counting; it's getting me down a bit. And here comes Valentine's day, tee fucking riffic. I can hardly wait.
"I need a mohawked, tattooed, flannel-clad
Combat-booted lovely lad
To take me up to Punk Rock Heaven"
- Mary Prankster, who else?