Reports on an Incident, by Her Majesty's Army

Hrrrrrrrrrmmmuph, ahem. Reporting in, this is Colonel Tobias O'Finnerty McDougal O'Toole Von Heffernan. Must admit, ahem, last nights' incident got past me a bit. Not as young as I used to be, ahem. Hrrrumph. When I was a young pup, patrols were patrols, I say! And troops were troops! Damme, young Theophilus! Pay Attention! When I was a young pup, as I was saying, the Brigadier Ma'am's house and grounds and neighborhood, assorted nearby fields, Patterson Park and the butcher shop on Eastern Avenue, the one with the very reasonable, pleasant human in it, was adequately patroled. I looked out for my people! Nothing got by me! When I was a young dog, and the fields were green, and we went places in the car: the woods, and the salty water, there was no rat who would try to get by me. Furry tailed rats, rats on land, rats with long ears, bounding large rats with antlers - all the same, don't you see? I brought them all in. Kept my bounds, followed the perimeters, took care of The Boy and The Girl - I did a job. A good job. And the Brigadier Ma'am was pleased with me. Gave me a Bone of Milk. . did I tell you, young Theophilus, of one time those uppity cats. . . those uppity cats. . . and one of those squirrels. . . hmmmmmm. . . don't mind me. . think I'll take a little shut eye now. . . don't miss a thing really. . . damn that new kibble, takes a man by surprise, just a little healthy gas you know - no call to shout like that. . .

He's asleep again. He can't even get up on HER bed anymore. I'm not supposed to get up there either but she doesn't really mean that. She can't mean that. That would make me sad. Nobody wants to make me sad. I hate being sad. And when she's not here I'm in charge, after all! Yeah, me! Me me me me me me! Theo!! Theophilus Q. Dogge, at your service! I love you! I'll love you even more if you just move over here - no, not there, here. Okay, that's good. Now stay there. The cats and Toby were having some conversation about some other animal in the house. Hey, yeah, I say, the more the merrier! Let's have a party! I like parties! Party on, most righteous dudes & dudettes! Just make sure that you STAY IN ONE PLACE TOGETHER AT ALL TIMES AND NOTHING GETS OUT OF HAND. Hey! If you try to leave the room I'll make sure you all get back together in a nice clump. Can't figure out what it is, but I sure feel better when everyone gets all in a nice clump! And then I'd like to sit on your lap! Oh right, the new animal. Mr. Bill was going to eat it, I think. I like to eat things. Mr. Bill just laughs at me sometimes and that makes me sad. But then I put him in a clump and I feel better! I don't want to eat the new animal - I want to herd it into a clump with everyone! We'll all feel better than and when SHE comes home, she'll be so happy that I have everyone all lined up nicely on her bed. That is the best idea ever! She might give me a Bone of Milk! And The Boy and The Girl will let me sleep on their beds and lick their faces all night long and then, at 7:30 am prompt, I'll wake them up and herd them into the kitchen. That will be perfect.

I am Barbieri, the Magnificent. Look on me, ye lowly, and admire. Ha! I saw the whole rat thing, I observed, in fact it was I, I and no other, who brought the prey to bay. I did it all! I allowed Mr. Bill to corner it, and play with it, and bring it to it's rodent knees - I often allow Mr. Bill the chance, you see, to exercise a little, to get a workout. I am kind to my younger brother. I am, after all, Magnificent and Alluring. Did you happen to notice that my coat is all gray? Do you see how slick and glossy and elegant it is? I've heard many good things about it, and my Abyssinian eyes. It would be terrible if I got blood or anything on a coat like this - I think it's a good idea to take care of your coat. So I kindly allow Mr. Bill to do that sort of thing. But it's really me, you know, I'm the ONE, I'm the cool one. I like to go outside and leap around, but not to the degree where it might mess up my coat. SHE laughed at me today. She has something warm and interesting looking going on in that hole at the end of the living room and I went over to investigate, and she smacked me and laughed and said something about me not having the instincts to know that fire is dangerous! Nothing is dangerous to me, I am invincible, beauteous and MAGNIFICENT! Perhaps I will bite her leg again in the morning, as I often do if she is slow getting the canned food out. It's the least I can do.

My world domination plans were interrupted by another experiment last evening. They call me Mr. Bill, but I think that Dr. Bill is really more appropriate. Or Generalissimo Dr. Bill, that might work. At any rate, I had almost worked out the formulae by which I could easily take over the world, too, and issued a press release. However, the proximity of rattus rattus gave me play to investigate some hypotheses I have often wondered about. Always difficult, dividing one's attention between the labwork, my sonata, or my current treatise on Hegel. This experiment, however, was a nice break - you know, mens sana in corpore sano and all that, a little physical exercise is often refreshing for those of us who dwell so in the world of the mind. I instructed Barbieri to flush it from the edge of the room (he can follow simple directions, words of one syllable and the like) and he did admirably. He is my brother after all. Blood will tell, or can it? I have been trying to isolate his DNA and match it up against mine. Then I proceeded to perform a slight vivisection and produced some fascinating results which I was about to process when SHE came home and made that appalling noise. Not helpful, the procedure was incomplete when SHE incomprehensibly sent the rodent on it's way. I will have to lure another one in here to complete my experiments; an annoying setback, to be sure, but not a final one. Fortunately, I was able to persuade the old windbag and the younger, stupider dog, that I was actually protecting the home. It's amazing what they will fall for.