Huh

Well, you know how your life can change really fast, like in the twinkling of a proverbial eye? And sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug and all that? I'm the bug; the windshield has come and gone; I thought my life was going to go one way and it turns out that it's not going to go that way at all. In other words, for those of you who thought that I was going to get less dark and funny and all that shit when I was happy and had a boyfriend? Your prayers, hopes and dreams have been answered: I'm not happy and I don't have a boyfriend anymore. Yay, me. It may take a while to get back to the funny. Or not. There's a certain black humor here - I mean, hey! I actually thought I could have a partnered life like normal people! I'm an idiot!

So now I don't know quite what to do with myself. I've been drunk, spent five dollars in the Broadways jukebox on a setlist that leaned heavy on the Patsy Cline - thank you Broadways and thank you my friends for pouring beer down my throat and letting me lose it - been sober, lain in bed for a whole day, stared at the ceiling, shaken, cried, listened to Genesis Duke all the way through, listened to Joni Mitchell and cried some more, listened to the Decemberists over and over again (this is the best break up song in the whole sorry history of lost love songs), read an entire horrifically bad 80s sci fi novel featuring dolphins in space, which, when you think about it, is not going to be easy for either the dolphins or the space but which I'm even now forgetting and which, thank the gods, doesn't even have a slightly romantic plot or subplot, called in sick to work and been completely unable even to make up a lie - "I'm not coming in," I said, and when my coworker expressed concern, I couldn't understand a word he said. And so on. The picture cube on my desk is back to pictures of my kids only and here I am on my own again which, after all, is not exactly a new or novel state for me.

And that's that, I guess. Some things don't get easier or better even when you do them over and over and over again over the course of a life that's pretty much way too long.