Well, we're only two days away from Christmas and the stress is thick enough to cut with a knife. M & A & I are all at each other's throats already: yay, Christmas. We walked out of the Five Points Diner this morning because they were out of Coca Cola: this is extreme even for me. But I needed coke this morning, because last night I was out with both my brothers. Naturally, because I was wearing the second most hideous item of clothing I own, I ran into not one but two of the cutest guys in Asheville. Death take me now: I have been seen in a Christmas sweater. Yes. Yes I own one and yes it has bows and little wreaths on it, but that doesn't mean that they had to be so mean about it. Or maybe it does. It was pretty funny: the whole conversation about how the Christmas sweater was controlling my brain, making me say bright and perky things, removing my cynicism and making me love the baby jesus. Or maybe not going quite that far.
This morning as we all spat at each other, leaving one diner and heading for another, I broke down and accused my kids of hating me, hating each other and hating Christmas. "No, we don't!" they cried, "We love each other and we love Christmas." "Oh," I said, slightly mollified, "Well, I guess that's alright then."
But it isn't. Everyone is freaking out now; M is standing behind me with a litany of Christmas misery and god, this is getting old. I like Christmas. But I'm beginning to wish I could go like Christmas all alone, in a cave in Tibet.
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Not in a cave in Tibet, but I did have xmas alone. It was the sullen xmas trip of 2006! At one point I wrote: I apply a balm to my somber heart. A soothing balm of shopping in interesting, stimulating stores. Of excellent college radio and fine art. Of an ever-changing tableau of the rural south, and intriguing nature. Of natural and man-made mysteries to occupy my curious brain. Of creative thoughts that come at these times. I tease myself with hopeful and probably unrealistic thoughts of a beautiful young woman with long blond hair. She has the light inside that can balance the darkness I feel.
Sounds kind of stupid now, but that's where I was.
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