This is going to be a very exciting evening here at Hangover Headquarters, boys and girls, as we're going to attempt to live blog Halloween! Yes! What the hell does that mean, you say? Good question! We (and by we, I mean, well, me and the dogs, since we're the only ones here) are hanging around the house for the next few hours doing exciting shit like cleaning AND this window is going to be open so that JUST IN CASE any costume clad children come by to augment their sugar high, they can more or less immediately be blogged about! And by more or less immediately, we mean after the time it takes to pull the dogs back and kick the dogs out of the way and apologize to the little tykes' parents for swearing in front of them and then drop wads of candy (and this is the good stuff, too, y'all: there's a definite chance that I might end up eating most of it, so forget the chupa chups and smartees, we're talking Reeses cups and malted milk balls and Hershey's miniatures here) into their sticky, outstretched pillowcases. Somewhere in the middle of all these wild and wacky highjinks a pizza is going to be delivered and I probably will have to give young M a ride downtown so he can go do stuff I SO do not want to know about. Sooo, let's get ready. I'm going to go pick up the last couple of day's detritus of half chewed things off the den carpet while I await my first trick or treaters of the evening. Whoooo Hooo! Can you feel the excitement building here?
6:15ish - excitement! It's young M and two of his larger friends hopping out of the back of somebody's pickup. They're almost scary looking - one even has a moustache. And, really scary, they want a ride to Montford and they want it now, even though I ordered the pizza and it should be here soon! Arrgh! Solution: write check, put check in envelope, put note on envelope, duct tape envelope to door, haul ass & teenagers to Montford, return @6:30ish to find pizza and trick or treaters at door. Cute trick or treaters! Dressed creatively as pirates and zombies! Chocolate for them! Now I get pizza and when M gets home later, there will be large amounts of pizza for him! Hurrah!
7:14 pm. There have been no further trick or treaters. I am full of pizza and reeses cups. This is not good. I'm bored. I'm cold. And I spent like $10 on candy, you horrible little ingrates. Where are you? Don't make me eat all this candy. The world will regret it if I eat all this candy and go into a wild emotional jag prompted by loneliness and the toxicity level of 3 pounds of chocolate.
7:24 pm. I just smoked a cigarette out front. The neighborhood is silent and eerily deserted. I heard one of my neighbors step out on his porch and say, "Where the hell are all the trick or treaters?" My sentiments exactly. God DAMN I have a shit ton of candy. What am I going to do with it all? M's teeth will rot and fall out of his head and I will gain 6000 pounds and have to do a midlife career change - I wonder what the starting salaries are for circus fat ladies or female sumo wrestlers these days? It occurs to me I could look this up on the internets. I don't.
7:50 pm. I'm shampooing the carpet. I'm also making up my face and dancing except when I pause to weep at the treacherous lot that has been mine. . . more candy!! Wait - what's that? A small boy in what appears to have once been a turtle outfit but now is unzipped! He pets the dogs! They don't bark at him! I give him candy! All is well with the world! His mother says that he likes dogs better than candy. Sensible child.
7:51 pm. I'm listening to weird theremin music via WFMU. Perhaps this will draw them in, except, oh hell, I have to go in like 20 minutes to meet my friends and agh, I'm not ready and I still have to vacuum again. More candy will save me! Or not.
8:15 A small female superman, a spiderman and a, um, ghost or something. "Oh," said supergirl to me, "A witch. How come everyone is always witches?" "Because it's the easiest," I tell her and regret the second malted milk balls she scammed off me.
By now, you see, I'm also wearing my own "costume" which has no damn backstory at all. I can't come up with anything. I was thinking I would be the Wicked Witch of the East, since I have the striped tights on and the dowdy black dress, but then I just added about 3 inches of assorted makeup, an army jacket (it's warm and has huge pockets) and a feather boa. Now I look dissolute, peculiar, middle aged (too much bronzing powder) and confused. I think I'll just go as me, in other words, only more so, or maybe the Wicked Witch of the East except she didn't die when Dorothy hit her with the house, she just woke up in Atlantic City with a hell of a headache and a plastic bucket full of quarters. That may be too much backstory. But anyhow, now it's 8:24 and I'm out of here. Happy Halloween!