Basket Case

M was home for the weekend; I went to pick him up on Friday evening. As I drove throught that long, interminable, beautiful bit between the highway and Burnsville a great blue heron rose out of the ditch by the road and swooped near the car for a moment, than gained speed and pulled up, huge ungainly wings flapping madly, rising bit by bit. Scared the hell out of me, then stunned with that odd recognition that I tend to call grace, lacking another word. Tonight after I took M back, driving along, crying bitterly, a hawk rose, circled, circled, became indistinct.

So, birds must fly, kids must leave, I am still home and actually I am ready to go see a shrink. Actually I think I have to. I'm stupidly anxious and I worry all the time about everyone I care about. I think I have somehow become a Hemulen. I would link here to a Moomin page - if there was one. But there isn't. So this is the best I can do: an Amazon link, forgive me and if you haven't read the Moomin books, you should, and then you would know why I am being a Hemulen.

I just majorly edited this post and took out a lot of self pitying miserable bull. This time of year seems to be tough on me, even with the nice weather - but nobody else needs to read my bummed out drunk ramblings. Let's just say that I'm depressed again, ain't the first time, won't be the last, this too shall pass. Or, more poetically, No matter how bad a state of mind you may get into, if you keep strong and hold out, eventually the floating clouds must vanish and the withering wind must cease. - Dogen, via Beliefnet, where you too can get daily Buddhist wisdom delivered to your inbox.

So fuck it. Fuck it all. In the meantime, M and I watched Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, which was utterly unsuitable for M, but I didn't know that (somehow, my out of touch self had gotten the idea that this movie was a somewhat updated version of My Dinner With Andre, and I thought that M would just be bored) but instead it's a full on, pot smoking, titty baring crazy funny as hell movie. I haven't laughed like that in I don't know how long - and anyway, we watched it all the way through and it was awesome.

So. . I'm a wreck but I know I'm a wreck. Does that count for anything?