Movie Reviews

I've been watching a movie a night this week, thanks to the magical movie machine at Ingles and my burning desire to finish the long black scarf I've been knitting. Actually, I finished said scarf last night and it's not scintillating, although why I expected scintillating from a long black scarf is kind of beyond even me. It's a long black scarf - it scintillates not, neither does it sing, dance or do windows. It is, however, distinctly thinner at one end than the other, which is a design feature, an allegory, goddamnit, representing the way one's options narrow - or widen - as one moves through this vale of tears called life. I tell you, I don't know how people who didn't go to art school and experience that particular vale of tears called group crit can justify anything; if you have been through it, boy howdy, you can justify any aesthetic outrage in the universe. Which may explain some of the movies I've been watching.

On Monday, we watched the Simpsons Movie. Now, I love the Simpsons. Wait, let me rephrase that: I loved the Simpsons. I mean, I really loved the Simpsons: I was an early Simpsons adopter; I was all about Simpsons 1.0 - hey, I even watched the Simpsons beta on the Tracy Ullman show! That's how old cool I am - but the new Simpsons are leaving me cold. Sorry. I grant you, I stepped away from the Simpsons before the Simpsons stepped away from me - I went six or so years without a TV and we just drifted apart. To be fair in this review, therefore, I actually watched the show, twice, for the first time in years last week and, well, as I had heard, it's just not that funny anymore. The movie was likewise not that funny. The funny is the point of the Simpsons, but it, along with well crafted cultural satire, was sadly lacking; therefore, I was not amused. It went on and on for a long time and I think I laughed maybe three times. I keep finding myself wishing that the kids had grown up and Marge had long since left Homer. My life has changed since 1991 but I'm still funny. What's wrong with the damn Simpsons? Grade: C

On Tuesday, we watched The Host. If I was Korean, or Asian at all and therefore tougher about my horror movies than we wimpy ass Americans tend to be, I would totally recommend this movie and also proudly point out that my renting-movie-about- which-you-know-nothing-because-poster-is-cool strategy worked out yet again. Unfortunately, I am a weak, good for nothing American and I couldn't handle it. Spoiler: the ending is not all happy happy joy joy. This is not an American monster movie where death only comes to some totally anonymous crowd members at the beginning, the black guy, the guy in the red shirt and the slutty chick everyone hates. No, this is a real movie and it gets really sad. On the way there, though, it's totally hilarious, scary, thought provoking, well acted, well done, features a most excellent monster and hey, generally rocks. It's even dubbed fairly well. I mean I really, really loved this movie - except for the ending. Which nearly made me cry. Grade: B+

Last night, we watched (okay, this is about to get embarrassing) Sky High. No, I didn't rent it! I swear! It was on TV and nothing else was and I had to finish that scarf. And then, I confess - I got sucked in. So did someone else, hee hee, and I won't say who that was, but you would think he would be too tough and old and cool for such a pre-teen aimed flick. But damn if Sky High isn't pretty cute. It's not even 100% totally predictable, in that I thought the hero wouldn't get his superpowers until the end of the movie when he had to save the pretty girl and actually he gets them close to the beginning when he has to save his own ass. Can you imagine? What a shock! Hee. Other than that, yeah, both young M & I did pretty well on predicting each and every plot curve. Still, it's no worse than Mean Girls, anyway, which I similarly got sucked into a couple weeks ago. Actually, it's better and it has a few hilarious touches. If I ever get forced into babysitting for the 8 - 11 year old crowd, I might even go rent it. Granted, I spent the last 30 minutes of the movie talking to M on the phone, so I missed the grand denouement, but oh well. Grade: B

And those are your exciting movie reviews. Someday, spring will come and the Hangover Journals will venture outside again, but until that long to be hoped for day, expect more of these.