Addiction Therapy

perdita mid bound
Originally uploaded by mygothlaundry

We all know that I have one of them there addictive personalities. I seem to be able to get addicted to almost anything with the exception of gambling, which strikes me as boring. I tried it - I went to Atlantic City and dutifully lost $100 on the slot machines but the gambling still bored me. Now, the decor, the free drinks and the buffets completely got my attention and were not boring at all, but that's another story. I tried Keno, too, when I lived in Maryland, but it was less interesting than lighting five dollar bills on fire and I know this because I did just that at the same bar on the same night I tried Keno. Alas, nobody except me thought it was funny.

However! Let's talk about my two current addictions! One is new and it is this stupid game. Yes. I have gotten addicted - for about the fortieth time in the last ten years - to a variant of Tetris. There has to be a support group out there. Tetris is old. It is antique. In internet years, which are sort of like dog years only faster, it is positively antediluvian and yet I cannot disconnect the Tetris addiction synapse link in my brain that was forged back in the early 90s when I discovered it for the first time. Not only am I playing that Retris game every time I sit down at my computer (which is also kicking my carpal tunnel back into high gear) but I'm playing a realish Tetris game on a handheld thingie in the bathroom. It's evil. It's sick. On the other hand, believe me when I tell you that I can pack a car or a box like nobody else on earth - Tetris is not all bad.

My other newly rediscovered addiction - and, sicko that I am, I have inextricably involved my daughter in this disease - are Janet Evanovitch's Stephanie Plum novels. If you don't know them, these are totally formulaic somewhat funny semi mystery novels about a bail bondsperson in New Jersey named Stephanie Plum, who, with the help of her varied cast of amusing one dimensional supporting characters, has lots o' misadventures. Also, sex and tons of it. I am cringing in shame as I write this, okay, but at the same time I cannot WAIT to get home, because thanks to Mr. K's Used Books, I still have one more Stephanie Plum book to read devour. I bought three on Sunday. Yeah, no, they don't take long to digest. I could not possibly tell you what is so great about these damn books but I was addicted years ago, beat the addiction, forgot about it and then, lo and damnation, discovered that while I wasn't looking, a whole bunch of new books had come out! So I'm reading them and so is Audrey and our conversations now sound like this:
Me: I don't think it's fair that Stephanie gets both Morelli and Ranger.
Audrey: I KNOW! I was just thinking about that. She should totally give one up. You know (dreamily) Ranger is the perfect man.
Me: Do you really think so? I think I might like Morelli better. But I would totally have sex with Ranger.
Audrey: Absolutely. I don't see how she hasn't done it yet! I think he likes her better because she just keeps him dangling.
Me: I KNOW! It's totally infuriating! She should just fuck him and get it over with! What is wrong with her?
Audrey: It's not even like she's all that.
Slight pause.
Me: Um, we do both realize that these are fictional characters, right?
Audrey, unconvincingly: Oh yes, yes, of course.