Thursday, April 27, 2006

Things Are Kind of Sucking Again

I'm starting to think that the Asheville vortex has dedicated it's otherworldly intelligence to kicking me the hell out of this town. Since Monday I have:
1. Lost primarly money making job #1.
2. Realized that I am hovering on the verge of losing job #2.
3. Found out from my landlord that he's raising my rent by $50, effective July 1 AND he wants to clean out the basement and the shed, which makes me suspect he's actually planning to sell the place, since he's never considered doing this before. The place needs some major work now; he told me he's in a cash bind; I bet he puts it on the market and then, then oh my readers, I am so fucking screwed it is not funny, not funny at all. You try finding a rental with a dog, a cat, an adolescent boy, no job and an utterly abysmal credit rating.

I've been having weird unearthly intuitive intimations for a couple of months that I may not be living here by next fall and they would appear to have been based in reality. I'm terrified and freaking out although I know it's too early to freak out, but if he does sell this place I am in so much trouble. And, I have to decide, even if he doesn't sell, if I can afford an extra $50 a month (no, of course not, but can I find anything else for less?) and not only that, can I afford another winter like last winter, where I nearly froze to death and it still cost me around $500 to keep the house just warm enough to stop the pipes from freezing? Or should I try to find somewhere smaller, cheaper, better insulated? Now? After I've been putting in hours and hours on the garden and it's just starting to look good? Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

Also, I have to find another job, pronto, something I'm obviously not very good at. Meanwhile, my mother has diverticulitis, which is better than what we thought and she has forgiven me for going over her head and forcing her to go to the doctor. I went out drinking with my brother and he was really mean to me, which, combined with job loss, sent me into a depression tailspin that I'm still in. And I started therapy. I like my therapist and he wants me to take fish oil, which I'm doing, because I have anxiety (which I knew) and am depressed (which I suspected) and have to completely redefine myself and my space (which is the kind of thing Asheville therapists say and I hope to god he has more of a clue on what exactly that means and how to do it than I do.)

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