Friday, October 21, 2005

Hormones, Dogs and The Truth About Men


I took a long walk with the dogs this morning, down to the river, which was misty and utterly beautiful. Yes, Jackson is still among the living - even living at my house. As I walked I realized something: okay, I was in the major, major throes of PMS the other day when I decided he had to die. My friend J gently mentioned this to me last night on the phone and I was forced to agree. You see, when I have PMS, shooting the dog seems like a logical and in fact utterly natural conclusion that has to be done right now because it is obviously the only answer, dammit! There is no other solution! It might be a good thing that I don't own a gun, come to think of it. Now that I'm coming down from the PMS, perhaps I will let him live. If he doesn't pee on my bed again, because if he does that, all bets are off and I'll probably just strangle him with my bare hands.

However, what I realized is far more important and wide reaching than the life of one dog: men feel like that all the time. Shooting something always seems like a logical and natural conclusion to them and they never come down. This explains a lot. All has been made clear, from the geo-political realities of our time to why I don't date: males are in a permanent state of PMS. Bummer.

There's another reason why I might be able to keep this dog, and it has to do with my ongoing love affair with the internet. Thanks to Google, I found the Scat Mat last night and I think it might just save my sanity, my house, and my dog's life. I'm ordering one. Possibly two. Sure, I can't afford it, but hell, I can't not afford it. I had been thinking of going to Tractor Supply and buying some electric fence and stringing it around the living room, which sounds kind of chancy and also rather a bold decorating move (hell, why stop with electric fence? Barbed wire makes such a great statement!) but then I found this thing. The scat mat will shock the little fucker and keep him off my couch and maybe we can all coexist after all. PMS or no PMS.

3 comments:

Sweet Tea said...

You know, the whole PMS thing makes sense now. And all of this time THEY have been trying to make us out to be crazy because we may unleash certain differences once a moon. Ha!

ps(regarding a previous comment)-
You are so my new blog heroine.

mygothlaundry said...

Girl, if you think about it, it kind of horribly explains even the Iraq invasion. Once a month, I personally am completely ready to invade the Middle East, or, well, I would be if they cut me off in traffic or something. I think Republicans at least, feel like that all the time. As if just attacking is the only answer.

Antonio Hicks said...

I was just browsing various blogs as I was doing a search on the word halloween, and I just wanted to say that I really like what you've done with your blog, even though it wasn't particularly related to what I searched for. I appreciate your postings, and your blog is a good example of how a blog should be done. I've only just recently started a Posters website - feel free to visit it when you get a chance if you wish. Much success, antonio.