Friday, June 24, 2005

Life on the Hellmouth

My phone calls between home and office are getting increasingly, um, entertaining. Yesterday's went like this:
M: "Mom? There's something in your room."
Me: "What? What do you mean something?"
M: "Some kind of, um, entrails. Sort of organs, you know?"
Me: "What the hell? What do you mean organs?"
M: "Like, it might be a heart or something. Or maybe a stomach?"
Me: "Holy fuck. How big is it? Is this like something the evil Angel would do? Is it a human heart or what?"
M: "Well, there are two of them and they're kind of big, we don't know."
Me: "Jesus H. Christ. Put your sister on the phone."
A: "Hi Mom"
Me: "What the hell is going on? Do we have vampires in the house or what?"
A: "We don't know. We don't even know what they are but we're not going back in there."
Me: "Are they, like, as big as a cow? Or tiny like a mouse?"
A: "Like maybe a rabbit - a big rabbit - how big are a rabbit's organs?"
Me: "Pretty small, I think. How would I know that? Do you think it's possible that by watching so much Buffy we have summoned the evil undead?"

When I got home there were indeed completely unidentifiable organ like sort of furry fist sized somethings, possibly of alien origin, in my room. There was one on each dog bed. There was also a dead mouse in the kitchen, half a dead field mouse in the patch of dead lawn where I planted sunflower seeds and a full dead field mouse by the shed. And something on the rug, possibly a leg. Of something. Something small and dead, which led M to shout: "Get rid of that leg! You're not leaving me here alone with a leg on the rug!"

Today's phone call o' fun:
A: "Mom, there's a bird in the house." Shrieking from background, frenzied barking.
Me: "Are you sure it's not a rabbit? Because I think it was a rabbit this morning."
A: "WHAT? What do you mean it was a rabbit this morning? How do I get the bird out of the house?"
Me, frantically googling: "I don't know. Lock the dogs out in the backyard and prop open the front door and sort of shoo it out."
A: "How did it get in here? And what about the rabbit?!?"
Me: "Barbieri brought it in. He's on a roll. This morning I was getting ready to go to work when I saw that he had a rabbit or something. Something as big as he was."
in actual fact, whatever it was wasn't quite dead. Barbieri (the cat) and Jackson (the hellhound) were working together to get it out from under the shelves in the dining room and when Barbieri emerged with it in his mouth I couldn't tell if it was a rabbit, a squirrel, a rat or possibly another alien being, but it was kicking. Total coward that I am, I seized that moment to grab my purse and flee to work.
A: "And you just left us here!?!"
Me: "Um, sorry about that. I was late for work."
Fifteen Minutes Later. . .
M: "Mom! How do I get a bird out of the house?"
Me: "I don't know. Where's your sister?"
M: "Out in the yard with the dogs. She says I have to do it."
Me: "Try shooing it out - just shoo it out."
M: "I don't even know if it can fly. What I'm going to do is I'm going to throw a black cloth over it because that will instantly calm it down and then I'm going to carry it outside but what do I do then?"
Me: "I don't think I would pick it up - can't you just shoo it?"
M: "If it bites me I am going to the hospital and you can't stop me."
Me: "No, no, that would be fine, yes, perfectly appropriate, you should go to the hospital."
A: Frenzied screaming from a distance, barely audible threats, dogs howling
Me: "Well?"
M: "Can I get some moral support here? Like some encouragement?"
Me: "Oh! Okay, um, good luck! It'll all be fine! You can do it!"

And the phone hasn't rung again. . . yet.

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