Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Dogs Are Stupid


toad 1
Originally uploaded by mygothlaundry
For years, I have been laboring under an incorrect supposition: namely, that my dogs are, if not Eal-ray Ight-bray, than at least no stupider than other members of canis domesticus. Well, that turns out to not be so true. All three of my dogs are challenged, bless their hearts. How do I know this? It's a simple question of doors.

My house has two levels. There is the upstairs level, which is elegantly decorated, immaculate - for, um, certain values of immaculate: basically, there's hardly any big chunks of rotting food around - charming and inhabited by me, the resident Middle Aged Person and the fish. Then there's downstairs, where the kids live, which is also nice. Nice as in we used to call it Teenage Wasteland when my son was the only person holding court down there but now that my daughter has moved downstairs as well, this name is no longer applicable. I refuse to give in and call it the Dungeon, as my daughter does: okay, it has certain dungeonesque qualities, namely, the lack of windows, the low ceiling, the slightly dank aroma and the overwhelming concrete but hey, it's lovely down there. Lovely, I say. The dogs and the cat move freely between levels for the most part: the dogs mostly like to sleep under my bed while the cat tries to alternate beds so as to maximize her chances of completely destroying some unwary sleepers ankles. She doesn't like it when people move in their sleep and she has ways of expressing her displeasure, oh yes.

Anyway, due to this two level construction, there are several sets of doors to my house, which is one of the reasons why we are all gonna be toast when the long anticipated zombie apocalypse comes. Is it weird that I worry about this? I actually contemplated not buying my house due to its very lack of defenseability - we are fresh out of escape tunnels, moats, barbed wire and enchanted swords, not to mention machine gun emplacements and while we may not have enough windows downstairs to bring in the desired amount of light, we have way too many to keep out your smarter run of zombies: the ones who have figured out that glass breaks.

However, I digress! The thing is that you can enter - or exit! Hail Janus! - my house any of four different ways. On the upper level, there is the front door, which comes in off the street and then there is the kitchen door which takes you out onto the porch, from which you can then descend via stairs to the backyard. Downstairs, there are two sliding glass doors on either side of the house that lead into that same backyard. There's also a door from Audrey's room to what might be called the driveway, although it isn't, really, one, but for the purposes of this narrative we'll forget about it. Anyway it's locked with a combination padlock on the outside and the combination has long since disappeared. Early in the morning it is our custom to blearily prop open one and sometimes two of these doors so that the dogs can get in and out, attend to their toilettes and keep a vigilant eye on the ever present danger of squirrel activity. The open doors also make sure that we maintain requisite levels of in house insect population - right now it's stink bugs, who are fucking everywhere, and I am using that as a verb.

The dogs cannot figure out that they can go out one door and in another.

No, seriously. They don't get it. They think that if they go out one door than that's the only door they can go back in. Or, conversely, they can't seem to grasp that if they are up on the porch and want to come in, it might be worth running down the steps to see if the downstairs door is open. They'll just lie there sorrowfully on the porch for hours even when the downstairs door is open. I have even tried leading them downstairs - there is very little, I find, that makes you feel stupider than earnestly attempting logical discourse with dogs - and explaining the whole thing to them and still, they Don't. Get. It. The cat, however, gets it just fine, which kind of reinforces those mean things that cat people on the internet are forever saying about dogs.

46 comments:

Laurie said...

My house has pretty much the same number of doors and my samoyed thinks the front door is the ONLY door. Even if you let her out the downstairs door, she will run around the house and wait for you at the front door, like a silly blonde princess.

Nicole said...

I stumbled upon your blog! Love your writing.

Lily said...

Love it!

MsALWalker said...

First of all, I love, love, love the title of your blog. Secondly, maybe your dogs are just feisty?! Anyway, great post.

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slareaux said...

This is great!

The dogs just don't get it, while on the other hand cats are quiet logical.

Salty Miss Jill said...

You haven't posted in a while...just hoping everything is OK. :)

JackAz said...

I was playing blog roulette this morning and rolled your number. Thank Gawd there are still some funny, interesting people out there! I shall become "a fan". You're entertaining. I look forward to more.

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Lucy said...

Where did you go? I miss your posts! Hope everything is OK.

Anonymous said...

Somehow, random twits don't do it for me. Your life is far less interesting than your interpretation of your life.

Ms. Code said...

Haha! You gotta love dogs and their quirky personalities!

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Snowbrush said...

I have a blue heeler that was smart enough to put her ball into her frisbee so she could carry both at once. However...I used to take her with me to pick my wife up after work at night. We would park, and when I saw Peggy come out of the building (I always saw her before Bonnie--the dog--did), I would say, "Bonnie, where's Peggy." Then, Bonnie would look at me most intelligently (it appeared) with her head tilted, and start looking for Peggy. One night, instead of looking out the window, she jumped down on the floorboard and looked under the seat. Truly, dogs see the world very differently.

Bear said...

Wry! And dry! Brilliant,certainly made me smile.

nk-aquarius said...

This is great!

Anonymous said...

Can't you afford internet anymore? Shame. Loved your voice.

Kid Karma said...

I can't say that my own dog would be so silly, but I've definitely met dogs that, yes, are even more ridiculous than the ones mentioned here. I once had to house-sit a few dogs, and I would take them out to pee, but instead of peeing on the ample amount of grass available to them, they decided they would prefer to pee on the sun-bathing chair instead. And then my leg. And then when I took them back inside, they ran upstairs to the office and took a dump.

Anonymous said...

Fell upon your blog and the dog parallels are just too scary....

b00sh_Pwned said...

This post about your dog made me chuckle. Reminded me of my dog my parents used to have before he passed away when i was living with them. He was a golden English Cocker Spanial ( they look more like a Springer Spanial than there American cousins) called Floyed that was full of life. If we saw a cat prowling around our garden, we would shout 'CATS' and he would would go beserk barking to be let out to chase it away. In his old age when he went out to chase the cats away, sometime he would be that dumb that he didnt realise the cat was still in the garden jus looking at him. I think the cats must have been laughing to themselves realising he was'nt what he used to be. Well that all changed when he passed away at good good age of 17. My parents also owned a Persian cat called Lulu and still do. Well one night my dad saw a cat in the garden up to no good and out of shear habit shouted 'CATS'. His realisation that Floyed was gunna come running was flung to the back of his mind when out of no-where our cat Lulu (a female indoor Persian) bolted through the living room door calling to be let out. We opened the sliding doors and her eyes locked onto the black cat and darted after it. After the cat had gone Lulu came trotting back in with a proud look on the face just like our dog did. She is now head of their household, Lulu has taken over the job of her best friend Floyed. :)

chachaberry said...

Dogs are amazing animals!!!

Robin said...

...great story! :)

Nick said...

Maybe the dogs are superstitious and saw a black cat so they are backtracking themselves.

MrsMassacre said...

haha Animals are strange.

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